pandora's box of redundancy

     Letting go of people we love is inevitably one of the hardest things to face. For those of us who have lost people due to illness, time, and unexpected disasters, acceptance is the only way to deal with it. When my Grandmother died a couple years ago, my family and I had no choice but to let her go, carry on her legend, and accept that we would miss her eternally. Even though much time has passed, I still find times when all I want to do is hear her laugh, talk to her about my life, hear her stories- I fantasize about picking up the phone and hearing her voice.
     But what happens when you lose someone, but this time you CAN pick up the phone and hear their  voice? This no longer becomes a matter of what is physically possible, but a matter that involves the protection of your heart, your soul, and your mental health. This is a very specific situation; I'm referring to someone who has fucked you over, manipulated you, used you, hurt you, and other shit- but because your a bad mother fucker, you emancipated him or her from your life. I'm sure you can think of at least one person who fits this description (and if not you are very lucky).
     To begin, CONGRATULATIONS, because this distinct form of "letting go" is really difficult. Especially for ladies who love broken boys hiding behind the gaunter of excruciatingly good looking manly men...  this is a hard relationship to end because naturally we are women and lust after this "want what you can't have"/ masochistic/ /"i'm going to take care of you because your lost and need my guidance" deal. But there comes a time when our hearts are so abused from confusion, sorrow, anger, and disappointment that eventually enough is enough and FUCK YEAH, you get rid of them. You've finally moved on... and then it comes back to bite you in the ass.
     This is where that seemingly utopian phone call begins to cross our minds. Often times when we want to reconnect with someone, it is because we are convinced that there are things to be said and issues to face... It's all okay because we have moved on, we can face it all and come out unscathed. We rationalize the situation and bring up concepts of "no regrets" and "closure". We think we are being rational, and that we have learned to protect ourselves, however this is probably false.
     Obviously I am speaking from very personal experience. Even when I chose to eliminate the source of a lot of pain from my life, occasionally I would relapse and come across that impulsive desire to "tie up loose ends" with him. A very close friend of mine told me that picking up the phone would be like "opening pandora's box", exposing myself to all the horrors that made me have no choice but to walk away in the first place- history has a way of repeating itself.
      Keep in mind, I am in no way saying that if you feel like there are things to be said to an old lover, apologies to be made, relationships to mend that you should not revisit them. Hell yeah, I am a huge advocate for that. BUT in certain specific situations (these situations), really think about, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GAIN? a rehabilitated ego? confirmation that you made the right choice? some sort of sappy apology? one last fuck??
STOP YOURSELF.
DO NOT GO BACK MOTHER FUCKER. 
DO NOT OPEN PANDORA'S BOX.

xoxo thx sry 4 yelling

in actuality, that's all great, but when you REALLY want to pick up the phone, distract your impulsive little self by dancing to this song, and i'm sure you will forget about it 

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© Sakaye 2013. All rights reserved.

my masochistic love affair with nostalgia

     The concept of nostalgia is something that has embellished and haunted my sense of remembrance for quite awhile. Dating back to 1668, it's been referred to as a mental disease, homesickness, and now simply as a sentimental longing for the past. I refer to it, however, as the unexpected contemplation of wonderful memories of my simple "childhood" which make me feel like shit about my current situation (I say this in the most dramatic way possible of course) as a maturing woman.

     It's really fucking weird, when some sort of sensory thing triggers an encounter with a vivid depiction of a time or a person or a place.. Rather abruptly you are taken back to this segment of your life which appears as a distorted blur of happiness. If only you could abandon the present and wallow in the past which, with the ticking of the clock, has transformed into a very abstract memory. This overwhelming feeling, "nostalgia", is what I am talking about and we all know it quite well.

     But lately as nostalgia appears as a close and comforting old friend, I am struck rather abruptly with the notion that I am yearning to be in this moment that I don't think I fully appreciated at the time.

    One way I look at it is that sometimes in life we spend a great deal of time "searching" for these ravishing moments where we are I guess, content, fulfilled, happy. We finally get a little dosage of this, but due to the distractions of bul shit which interrupt the peace of our bodies and our minds, we forget to fully appreciate them. They immediately vanish and are forgotten about. However, time passes and one day we are are greeted by a distinct smell, old photos lost on our computer, the vibrations of an old favorite song, or we spontaneously find ourselves back at a distant location, all little details that seem like portions of our past lives- but  suddenly we are forced down this path way of reminiscence, we start to miss it a little, get a little sappy, maybe a little upset, this is nostalgia.

     Whether you look at it as brief mental time travel or reminiscing on the days gone by, this "feeling"  forces us to see our past as seductive and intriguing, yet often times it leaves us with an eerie gleam casted over our lives which we cannot seem to stop dwelling on.

      Looking back on my past years of adolescence- the friends I had, the humble places where we killed time, the "things" we did that managed to bring us all together- I remember it as a blur of euphoria, it all appears rather picture perfect- and naturally I am filled with this "longing for the past,". But contrary to these romantic memories floating about in my mind, things really weren't so picture perfect. It is just nostalgia allowing me to remembering these fragments of the past with these glasses of optimism and idealism.

     But why is that? According to various research, your mental, emotional and neurophysiological states define specific moments in your life, but as you look back on it it's not even possible to put yourself back in the same mental state you were in before, SO as you change, so does the way you perceive this memory, altering it's emotional representation. Professor David H. Sanford (1979) described nostalgia as "positively toned evocation of the past, the nostalgic experience is infused with imputations of past beauty, pleasure, joy, satisfaction, goodness, happiness, love", and this is EXACTLY what makes remembering so god damn seductive, alluring, and romantic.

      In whatever way we are affected by the traces of time or however progressing neurophysical states alter our memories, nostalgia allows us to remember the past in the most picture-esque light, and whether it truly was that way at the time, doesn't really matter. All the time people recall portions of the past as "the good ol' days, the happiest days of their lives", but it couldn't possibly of been that simple. Perhaps we'll say the same when we look back on these times, with our distorted hazy blurry blissful optimistic glasses of nostalgia and remember everything beautifully.

And really, that is comforting enough.

                   

art by Lara Edwards

With that being said I really want to have a playlist centered around this because music has been the most nostalgia inducing thing for me, but that is very personal so I can't put up a FEEL NOSTALGIC PLAYLIST, because that is something you have to do on your own. however, I can make a playlist that tries to embody a nostalgic vibe which is basically that whole bitter sweet pensive thing/ or in other words what I'm trying to do which is, 

i'm stoked about being sad about stuff

nostalgic tendencies from samanthasakaye on 8tracks Radio.

photo by Cheli Veloz

   

art by Lara Edwards

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© Sakaye 2013. All rights reserved.